The word “relocation” describes temporary migration for work purposes, but in Israel, it has become a code word for permanent emigration. Perhaps because of the label “a bunch of cowards,” or perhaps due to the emotional baggage it carries. In the past two years, it seems that everyone knows at least one friend who has left.
Just a week ago, it was reported that about 82,000 people left Israel in 2024, 60,000 of whom have no intention of returning. According to additional surveys, about 24% of Israelis are considering emigration, and 73% of Israeli workers are considering relocation.
Alongside the promise of a safer and more comfortable life, relocation also presents opportunities and challenges in relationships and sexuality. In my clinical work with couples undergoing relocation, I encounter all of these. The article before you is intended for those considering a move, or already living abroad, and seeks to clarify the scenarios that may arise, to help you better cope with whatever comes up. All examples are shared with the patients’ consent, with names and identifying details changed.
Amid all the logistical madness of packing and unpacking, bureaucratic queues, apartment searches and school enrollments, the relationship is also put to the test. This concrete pressure, which usually falls on one partner (most often the woman), makes the relationship dynamic more challenging than usual.
Nina, Avi’s partner, said “Suddenly I found his indifference more irritating than usual. If I used to tolerate socks in the living room and his lack of involvement, now I felt I needed him more and I didn’t care that he was working. It’s not enough that I have to suffer the horrendous bureaucracy of the Boot Country—now the living room becomes the Land of the Socks too? That led us to fights we never had back home.”
Nina’s frustrating experience isn’t unique. The partner who has to handle most of the bureaucracy and logistics often experiences high stress and deep loneliness facing the challenges. When there’s a feeling of a lack of partnership, it can definitely come out as direct anger toward the partner. In the case of this couple, the stress became an opportunity to surface deeper relationship issues, and the therapeutic work focused on their communication around conflicts, but also on practical changes Avi had to make to be more involved in the bureaucratic process and family life.
Nina: “It’s not enough that I have to suffer the horrendous bureaucracy of the Boot Country—now the living room becomes the Land of the Socks too? That led us to fights we never had back home.”
Another issue the couple dealt with is that such pressures usually leave less energy and desire for sexual intimacy. This is of course natural, as the brain is overwhelmed, and objectively there is less energy to devote to sexuality. So I explained to them that there’s no magic solution that fits everyone, and my advice is to remember that sexuality is a reflection of the relationship and it matters. It’s important to make time for couple time and even sexual time. Take time to create shared intimacy that’s sexual—even if it doesn’t involve intercourse—and remind each other what you love about one another sexually.
Sometimes, the opposite is observed—the daily difficulties in the relationship are pushed aside in favor of the effort of the move, and this adds to the relationship and even increases intimacy, perhaps due to the feeling of partnership, or perhaps because for some people, in times of stress, sex becomes a security anchor in the relationship.
“At first we were a great team,” said Anat, Yossi’s partner. “I handled school registrations and shopping for the new house and he took care of everything related to residency and buying the car. In the evening we’d meet over a glass of wine and tell each other everything, support and help where needed. It was wonderful and even sexy. We were like Bonnie and Clyde against Portugal, winning every round with creative tricks and kissing at sunset with explosions behind us.”
In Anat and Yossi’s case, it was when the pressure subsided that something in their dynamic changed: “One evening Yossi suddenly said he was tired, and when I tried to figure out what was wrong, I realized he was sad. He suddenly brought up an old fight of ours—something about variety in our sex life.” In this case, the frequent sexual encounters reminded Yossi of what he felt was missing, and once the major logistics were settled, emotional and practical space opened up to revisit what had bothered him even before the move.
The couples’ work focused on understanding the importance of fantasies, the ability to be playful and vulnerable with each other, and exploring the possibility of gradually integrating the desired variety into their sex life, to understand what could or couldn’t work.
In many cases—especially when relocation is as defined—the couple experiences the phenomenon known as the “trailing spouse.” In this dynamic, one partner (again, usually the woman) relocates following the other who has accepted a new position abroad. This can create gaps between the partners.
The partner who hasn’t yet found a job is left to deal with the bureaucracy and transition almost entirely alone, and her integration process is independent, while the working partner enjoys a built-in integration process through the new workplace. This is a significant gap, and once the initial transition calms down, the trailing partner may experience feelings of emptiness, frustration, or even blame the “leading” partner.
Dana described to me a similar migration process: “Suddenly I found myself at home alone, my husband at work, and I was bored. I found myself drinking in the middle of the day, and when Yoni came back he got mad that I was drunk. One day I really exploded at him—probably because of the alcohol—and then we decided to go to therapy.” In therapy, it came out that Dana felt very lonely and inactive since the move, and felt she had put her own career on hold so Yoni could develop his.
On this issue, I have two main recommendations: the first is for each partner to find meaningful pursuits. The move can be a chance to open a business, change careers, study, volunteer, develop hobbies or social life. Whatever the choice, it’s important not to remain bored and isolated.
Dana: “Suddenly I found myself at home alone, my husband at work, and I was bored. I found myself drinking in the middle of the day, and when Yoni came back he got mad that I was drunk. One day I really exploded at him—probably because of the alcohol—and then we decided to go to therapy.”
The second recommendation is to boost what’s called “self-efficacy”—the sense that our actions have impact. This feeling of competence is critical for managing the intense emotions that international relocation can bring, and it also helps with personal development in various areas of life.
Moving abroad includes detachment from our support systems and culture and requires learning a new culture and language. Within all this, changes in the relationship dynamic may occur, which in turn affect sexuality. When we don’t feel confident in ourselves, and feel limited in expressing ourselves—even outside the home—those feelings leak into the home and into the relationship.
The detachment from support systems, culture, and language increases dependence between partners and leads to more shared decision-making. For some, dependence may feel threatening, and when it becomes burdensome, partners might choose to spend some time apart, returning to the relationship refreshed and bringing with them a sense of independence and outside experiences.
Additionally, issues of cultural integration may impact relationship dynamics. The dilemma between adapting to the new society and preserving the original culture can cause conflict, including clashing gender norms from the new society that may influence household roles—for better or worse.
“When we moved to Finland, I didn’t realize how different it was from Israel,” Amir described. “If I stay home here, no one finds it strange—but I didn’t feel like a man. And if I’m not a man, how can I penetrate?”
Amir is not alone. Cultural and role shifts pose major challenges. To cope, it’s recommended to examine which parts of our identity feel undermined by the new culture, and what needs lie behind that. These needs can be addressed in various ways, such as rethinking masculinity, which can express itself not just through work but also through fatherhood, emotional support, or sexual expression. Moving abroad is an opportunity to reexamine the relationship contract and align expectations and roles in both relationship and sexuality.
Alongside the difficulties, relocation offers great potential for growth and new experiences. “We moved to Berlin because we’re afraid of our future as gay men with everything going on in Israel,” said Elad, Ronen’s partner. “It’s not like there aren’t sex parties in Israel, but it didn’t suit me to run into a colleague while in doggy style—and here we have way more parties. It opened something between us.”
Elad describes sexuality as a motivation for migration, but also how anonymity opens space for new sexual experiences—and its potential effect on couple intimacy, especially in queer relationships, though of course this can happen in heterosexual couples too. Anonymity allows one to let loose at parties without fearing someone from work will be there.
But it’s not just the anonymity—the reduced stress of life in Israel, new shared experiences, the dream-fulfillment of relocation, the new culture, and freedom from social norms and scrutiny—all may allow for new sexual exploration. Yet anonymity can also be a double-edged sword.
“My job is packed with travel, while my partner stays at home,” said Asaf, Shirel’s partner. “So I don’t really mind going to a rental apartment from time to time.”
Shai SpitzenPhoto: Natali Mei-TalAsaf’s story shows how being unknown in a new country can make it easier to cheat. Of course, the story is more complex and requires deeper examination of the couple’s sexuality and Asaf’s personal values—but it illustrates how easily anonymity can facilitate infidelity. In such cases, partners need to rebuild trust and sexual connection, but also reset expectations about the relationship and each partner’s role.
So what do you do with all this information? Before the move, it’s important to talk as a couple about expectations, fears, and concerns. It might be worthwhile to seek professional support to think things through and hold space for what the transition may bring. Keep communication open and supportive.
Create a game plan that includes regular couple time, awareness of what sparks your passion, and space for personal growth for each partner. Ultimately, the initial stress of the move is temporary and will ease with time. Don’t forget: you’re not against each other—you’re for each other.
